Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
