You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
