suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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