fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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