Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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