Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
