I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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