Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
