I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
