I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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