Don't make out with my wife yet
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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