***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am mentally ready for anal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
