He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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