I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
