Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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