i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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