I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize