You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
