So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im holly from the hills drunk
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
