Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
