He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
