Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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