wakey wakey hands off snakey
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
