I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
