A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
