She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
