she looked like the before picture.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
