how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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