I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
