I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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