I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
