Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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