I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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