I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
