woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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