I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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