if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
