I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
