Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
