I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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