you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
