i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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