I met the friendliest cop last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
