I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
