I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
