i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
