Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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