The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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