i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
