i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
