My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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