I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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