Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
