How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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