i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
