my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
